Normally I would avoid using foul language in my blog, but this one is just another example for exception of the rules.
Taken from lolsnaps.com
Saturday, November 27, 2010
STFU
Normally I would avoid using foul language in my blog, but this one is just another example for exception of the rules.
Taken from lolsnaps.com
Friday, November 12, 2010
114 LOL Deep Thoughts And Point To Ponder
- After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
- And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?
- Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
- Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
- Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
- Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
- Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
- How can there be self-help groups?
- How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
- How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
- “I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do ” is the longest sentence?
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?
- If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
- If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
- If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?
- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn’t a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
- If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
- If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
- What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
- What happens when none of your bees wax?
- What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
- What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
- What is the speed of dark?
- What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
- What’s another word for synonym?
- When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
- When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
- When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
- When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
- When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
- When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
- Where are Preparations A through G?
- Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
- Which is the other side of the street?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don’t have a row 13, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
- Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
- Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why do psychics have to ask your name?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
- Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
- Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
- Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
- Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
- Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
- Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
- Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
- Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
- Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
- Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
- Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
16 Things It Took Me 40 Years To Learn
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, he WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, he WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/16-things-it-took-me-40-years-to-learn
12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your friends love you, anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/16-things-it-took-me-40-years-to-learn
25 Pieces Of Middle Aged Wisdom
- If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
- Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
- A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- No one has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
52 Epic Funny Quotes
1. No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats–approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
— Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom
2. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
— David Letterman
3. Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.
— Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago
4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie
5. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
6. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
— In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance 44.
7. It’s like being ‘Xena, Warrior Princess.’
— Madeleine Albright, giving her stock response when asked what it’s like to be a female secretary of state
8. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
— Charles Barkley
9. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
— Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry
11. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry
12. You mean we’re not gonna score? We came all this way and we’re not gonna score? It’s not fair. We never score. I’ll bet this old dude scored, like, a million times. But we never score.
— Beavis, from Beavis and Butthead Do America
13. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
— Yogi Berra
14. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
15. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
16. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
17. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown
18. “I know you feel betrayed.”
“Well, yes, that is one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.”
19. Delta: It always helps if you wear a tiara.
Rosie: While shellacing?
Delta: While doing anything.
— Delta Burke, On the Rosie O’Donnell Show
20. [upon discovering their TV has been stolen} This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before.
— Butthead, from Beavis and Butthead Do America
21. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?
— Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
22. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin
23. I’ve always enjoyed being told what to think. Of course I do the opposite of whatever is requested of me, but I find the attempted intrusion flirtatious.
— Lisa Carver
24. I like sweet little soft bunnies for girls, kind of dumb, giggly. Maybe a little drunk. Girls who smell good and do what I say.
— Lisa Carver
25. Caught masturbating on my wedding day — how low class!
— Lisa Carver
26. There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
27. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
— Quentin Crisp
28. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali
29. Oh, well, that’s the Lord’s Work. Name-calling.
— Ellen Degeneres, On being told that Jerry Falwell referred to her as Ellen Degenerate
30. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
31. I promise the next time we get attacked by monkeys on an escalator, I will save you.
— Ben from Felicity
32. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
— Ransom K. Ferm
33. Oh my God, I’m my father! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother that I didn’t see this coming.
— Rachel from Friends
34. There’s only one thing better than getting what you want, and that’s getting what you want and pissing someone else off at the same time.
— Bender on Futurama
35. The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
— Bill Gates from The Road Ahead, p. 265.
36. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
37. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James
38. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones
39. Man’s greatest joy is to slay his enemy, plunder his riches, ride his steeds, see the tears of his loved ones and embrace his women.
— Genghis Khan
40. Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
— Kermit the Frog
41. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
— D. E. Knuth, 1967
42. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers–and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
— Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
43. The O.J. Simpson (Civil Trial) Jury has the chance to send a clear message to the world, which is, ‘If you kill someone in L.A., you’re looking at a very stiff fine.’
— Bill Maher
44. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
— Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
45. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
— Monty Python
46. You coveteth my ice cream bar, but you cannot have it. I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child.
— Ren, from Ren and Stimpy
47. Son, you don’t have bad luck. Bad things happen to you because you’re a dumbass.
— That 70′s Show
48. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson
49. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
50. When choosing between two evils, I always take the one I haven’t tried before.
— Mae West
51. If triangles had a God, He’d have thr ee sides.
— Old Yiddish proverb
52. G: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
EB: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/52-epic-funny-quotes
— Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom
2. Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
— David Letterman
3. Of all the radio stations in Chicago…we’re one of them.
— Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago
4. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
— A Bit of Fry and Laurie
5. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
6. A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.
— In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance 44.
7. It’s like being ‘Xena, Warrior Princess.’
— Madeleine Albright, giving her stock response when asked what it’s like to be a female secretary of state
8. I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.
— Charles Barkley
9. My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
— Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”
10. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
— Dave Barry
11. If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
— Dave Barry
12. You mean we’re not gonna score? We came all this way and we’re not gonna score? It’s not fair. We never score. I’ll bet this old dude scored, like, a million times. But we never score.
— Beavis, from Beavis and Butthead Do America
13. When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
— Yogi Berra
14. Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary
15. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
16. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
17. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown
18. “I know you feel betrayed.”
“Well, yes, that is one of the unpleasant side effects of betrayal.”
19. Delta: It always helps if you wear a tiara.
Rosie: While shellacing?
Delta: While doing anything.
— Delta Burke, On the Rosie O’Donnell Show
20. [upon discovering their TV has been stolen} This sucks more than anything has ever sucked before.
— Butthead, from Beavis and Butthead Do America
21. Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn’t your pants’ zipper supposed to be in the front?
— Calvin, Calvin & Hobbes
22. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
— George Carlin
23. I’ve always enjoyed being told what to think. Of course I do the opposite of whatever is requested of me, but I find the attempted intrusion flirtatious.
— Lisa Carver
24. I like sweet little soft bunnies for girls, kind of dumb, giggly. Maybe a little drunk. Girls who smell good and do what I say.
— Lisa Carver
25. Caught masturbating on my wedding day — how low class!
— Lisa Carver
26. There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
— Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
27. When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, “Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?”
— Quentin Crisp
28. The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
— Salvador Dali
29. Oh, well, that’s the Lord’s Work. Name-calling.
— Ellen Degeneres, On being told that Jerry Falwell referred to her as Ellen Degenerate
30. Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, “I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease”. Disraeli replied, “That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.”
31. I promise the next time we get attacked by monkeys on an escalator, I will save you.
— Ben from Felicity
32. With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
— Ransom K. Ferm
33. Oh my God, I’m my father! I’ve been trying so hard not to be my mother that I didn’t see this coming.
— Rachel from Friends
34. There’s only one thing better than getting what you want, and that’s getting what you want and pissing someone else off at the same time.
— Bender on Futurama
35. The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
— Bill Gates from The Road Ahead, p. 265.
36. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
37. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
— William James
38. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones
39. Man’s greatest joy is to slay his enemy, plunder his riches, ride his steeds, see the tears of his loved ones and embrace his women.
— Genghis Khan
40. Time’s fun when you’re having flies.
— Kermit the Frog
41. The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
— D. E. Knuth, 1967
42. I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers–and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
— Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
43. The O.J. Simpson (Civil Trial) Jury has the chance to send a clear message to the world, which is, ‘If you kill someone in L.A., you’re looking at a very stiff fine.’
— Bill Maher
44. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
— Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
45. I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!
— Monty Python
46. You coveteth my ice cream bar, but you cannot have it. I have had this ice cream bar since I was a child.
— Ren, from Ren and Stimpy
47. Son, you don’t have bad luck. Bad things happen to you because you’re a dumbass.
— That 70′s Show
48. I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.
— Hunter S. Thompson
49. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
50. When choosing between two evils, I always take the one I haven’t tried before.
— Mae West
51. If triangles had a God, He’d have thr ee sides.
— Old Yiddish proverb
52. G: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
EB: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.
— Somewhere in No Man’s Land, BA4
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/52-epic-funny-quotes
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of you life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/25-lol-thoughts-to-get-you-through-almost-any-crisis
2. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of you life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a “do it yourself” thing.
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/25-lol-thoughts-to-get-you-through-almost-any-crisis
Universal Truths about Life
1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer’s browsing history if you die.
2. Nothing ticks me off more more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I promise I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a “stoop” from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
2. Nothing ticks me off more more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I promise I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a “stoop” from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Unavoidable laws of nature
1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
11. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.
12. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T, etc.)
20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
22. People are always available for work in the past tense.
23. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
25. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
29. The longer the title, the less important the job.
30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
31. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
35. If anything can go wrong, it will.
36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
37. Everything takes longer than you expect.
38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will do the most damage will go wrong first.
39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
44. Mother Nature is a bitch.
45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately obvious to the first unqualified person.
47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
– Harvard’s Law
49. Never replicate a successful experiment.
– Fett’s Law
50. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
– von Braun
51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
– Phil White
52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
– Cooke’s Law
53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.
– Ross’s Law
54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
– Calkin’s Law of Menu Language
55. Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.
– Anthony’s Law of Force
56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
– Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
57. Arnold’s Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn’t.
(2) If it does exist, it’s out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
58. Beifeld’s Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases exponentially when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
59. Bradley’s Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
60. DeVries’s Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper.
61. Drew’s Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
63. Finagle’s Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
64. First Rule of History:
History doesn’t repeat itself — historians merely repeat each other.
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/64-unavoidable-laws-of-nature
2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
11. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.
12. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T, etc.)
20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
22. People are always available for work in the past tense.
23. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
25. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
29. The longer the title, the less important the job.
30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
31. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
35. If anything can go wrong, it will.
36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
37. Everything takes longer than you expect.
38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will do the most damage will go wrong first.
39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
44. Mother Nature is a bitch.
45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately obvious to the first unqualified person.
47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
– Harvard’s Law
49. Never replicate a successful experiment.
– Fett’s Law
50. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
– von Braun
51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
– Phil White
52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
– Cooke’s Law
53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.
– Ross’s Law
54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
– Calkin’s Law of Menu Language
55. Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.
– Anthony’s Law of Force
56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
– Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
57. Arnold’s Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn’t.
(2) If it does exist, it’s out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
58. Beifeld’s Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases exponentially when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
59. Bradley’s Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
60. DeVries’s Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper.
61. Drew’s Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
63. Finagle’s Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
64. First Rule of History:
History doesn’t repeat itself — historians merely repeat each other.
Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/64-unavoidable-laws-of-nature
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