friend zone

Taken from 9gag.com

Definition

1. Single (adjective) - A man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen.
2. Internet (noun) - The reason you are failing high school.
3. Thesaurus (noun) - The book that is also a dinosaur
4. Study (verb) - The act of texting, eating and watching TV with an open textbook nearby.
5. Friend (noun) - One of the many strangers on Facebook.
6. Tomorrow (noun) - The best time to do everything you had planned for today.
7. No offense (phrase) - A phrase used to introduce a highly offensive comment
8. Twitter (noun) - The social network that your parents and close relatives haven't ruined for you yet.
9. Haha (noun) - This conversation is now over.
10. Sarcasm (noun) - The brain's natural defense against the less intelligent.
11. Gullible (adjective) - A commonly used word that is not found in the dictionary.
12. Oh, it was nothing (phrase) - It took me 40 hours, and if you say anything bad I will honestly punch your face off.
13. Keychain (noun) - A ring invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
14. Teacher (noun) - A person who helps you solve problems you'd never have without them.
15. Teacher (noun) - An overeducated babysitter
16. Teacher (noun) - One who kills your love of books, math and science.
17. Synonym (noun) - A word you use when you can't figure out how to spell the other one.
18. Birthday (noun) - The one day per year that people you never talk to on Facebook post on your wall.
19. Happy Birthday (phrase) - I don't know you, but we're Facebook friends
20. Brand name (noun) - Paying more for something so that others know you're paying more for something.
21. Imagination (noun) - The ability to turn anything into a rocketship; usually lost at puberty.
22. I'm not book smart, I'm street smart (phrase) - I'm not real smart, I'm imaginary smart.
23. Heels (noun) - Shoes invented by men to make running away harder.
24. I'm almost there (phrase) - I'm still doing my hair and haven't left yet.
25. Yellow light (noun) - Drive faster.
26. B.C. (abbreviation) - Before Computers.
27. Etc. (adverb) - Used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
28. You look good (phrase) - You used to be fat.
29. Single and loving it (phrase) - Desperate and trying it hide it.
30. Strangers (noun) - The only ones with decent candy.
31. Final (noun) - A test designed by teachers to lower self esteem.
32. Ignorant (adjective) - Anyone who disagrees with you.
33. Lol (abbreviation) - I have nothing else to say.
34. Parents (noun) - People who blame innocent children for their mistakes and take credit for their successes.
35. Just saying (phrase) - A way to make insults sound like observations.
36. Procrastination (noun) - The art of screwing oneself over.
37. Nothing (noun) - Obviously something, just keep asking.
38. Love (noun) - A word you put between "I" and "you" when you want something.
39. Love (noun) - Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing.
40. Nerd (noun) - The person you pick on in high school and wind up working for as an adult.
41. Valentine's Day (noun) - A day specifically designed to make single people feel bad about themselves.
42. I got a new phone and lost all my numbers (phrase) - I deleted your number because I hate you.
43. Money can't buy happiness (phrase) - A saying created by poor people to help curb their jealousy of the rich.
44. Flabbergasted (adjective) - The shock you experience when you realize how fat you've gotten.
45. Let's hang out sometime (phrase) - I feel bad that we don't talk anymore, so I hope saying this makes me feel better, even though we both know it isn't going to happen.
46. Alcohol (noun) - A drink that makes bad decisions look good.
47. We can still be friends (phrase) - This is going to be really awkward and I don't want to hang out with you ever again.
48. Texting (verb) - What one pretends to do in awkward situations.
49. Children (noun) - A source of legal slave labor.
50. You're a really nice guy (phrase) - I will never ever date you.
51. Good try (phrase) - You just failed, but I'm trying to be nice.
52. Remote control (noun) - An adhesive force between your butt and the sofa.
53. What's up? (phrase) - I don't care about what you have to say; just ask me the same thing back so I can talk about myself.
54. Mother-in-law (noun): Someone who has an irrational hatred for you.
55. Woman (noun) - Someone to make you sandwiches.
56. Happiness (noun) - When the waitress brings you your food.

Taken from http://grouchyrabbit.com/

114 LOL Deep Thoughts And Point To Ponder

1. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
2. And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?
3. Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?
4. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
5. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too?
6. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
7. Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
8. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
9. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4′s”?
10. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
11. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
12. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
13. How can there be self-help groups?
14. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
15. How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink?
16. How is it possible to have a civil war?
17. How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?
18. “I am ” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do ” is the longest sentence?
19. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
20. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
21. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
22. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him….Is he still wrong?
23. If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?
24. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
25. If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
26. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
27. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
28. If an orange is orange, why isn’t a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
29. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
30. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
31. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
32. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
33. If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
34. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
35. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
36. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
37. If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
38. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead”?
39. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide….is it considered a hostage situation?
40. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
41. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
42. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
43. If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn’t a Portuguese person be called Portugoose?
44. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
45. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don’t they wear a pair of bras?
46. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
47. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
48. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
49. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
50. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
51. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
52. Is it true that cannibals won’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
53. Isn’t it scary that doctors call what they do “practice”?
54. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
55. What do chickens think we taste like?
56. What do people in China call their good plates?
57. What do you call a male ladybug?
58. What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
59. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?
60. What happens when none of your bees wax?
61. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
62. What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”?
63. What is the speed of dark?
64. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
65. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
66. What’s another word for synonym?
67. When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
68. When dog food tastes new and improved, who tested it?
69. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
70. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
71. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
72. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
73. When you’re sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
74. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
75. Where are Preparations A through G?
76. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
77. Which is the other side of the street?
78. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
79. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor and planes don’t have a row 13, but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?
80. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
81. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
82. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
83. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
84. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
85. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
86. Why do psychics have to ask your name?
87. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?
88. Why do they put Braille on the drive thru bank machines?
89. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . become Pen Pals to these men ?
90. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
91. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
92. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
93. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
94. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
95. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
96. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
97. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
98. Why don’t they call mustaches “mouthbrows?”
99. Why don’t tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
100. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
101. Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?
102. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
103. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
104. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
105. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
106. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
107. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
108. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
109. Why is the symbol for anarchy always written the same way?
110. Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
111. Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
112. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
113. Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it?
114. Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Universal Truths about Life

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer’s browsing history if you die.
2. Nothing ticks me off more more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I promise I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? ), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a “stoop” from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Unavoidable laws of nature

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
11. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong.
12. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”
13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired.
18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T, etc.)
20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
22. People are always available for work in the past tense.
23. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
25. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
29. The longer the title, the less important the job.
30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
31. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own.
34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
35. If anything can go wrong, it will.
36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
37. Everything takes longer than you expect.
38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will do the most damage will go wrong first.
39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse.
40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it.
41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
44. Mother Nature is a bitch.
45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious.
46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately obvious to the first unqualified person.
47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
– Harvard’s Law
49. Never replicate a successful experiment.
– Fett’s Law
50. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.
– von Braun
51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
– Phil White
52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
– Cooke’s Law
53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark.
– Ross’s Law
54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
– Calkin’s Law of Menu Language
55. Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.
– Anthony’s Law of Force
56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.
– Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
57. Arnold’s Laws of Documentation:
(1) If it should exist, it doesn’t.
(2) If it does exist, it’s out of date.
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
58. Beifeld’s Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases exponentially when he is already in the company of:
(1) a date,
(2) his wife,
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
59. Bradley’s Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in.
60. DeVries’s Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper.
61. Drew’s Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
63. Finagle’s Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
64. First Rule of History:
History doesn’t repeat itself — historians merely repeat each other.

Taken from http://www.blippitt.com/64-unavoidable-laws-of-nature

40 RULES OF PROJECT MANAGEMENT

1. Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.
2. You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it .
3. At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
4. A user will tell you anything you ask about, but nothing more.
5. Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
6. What you don’t know hurts you.
7. There’s never enough time to do it right first time but there’s always enough time to go back and do it again.
8. The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
9. I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
10. What is not on paper has not been said.
11. A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
12. If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven’t understood the plan.
13. If at first you don’t succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
14. There are no good project managers – only lucky ones.
15. The more you plan the luckier you get.
16. If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
17. A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
18. Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
19. Everyone asks for a strong project manager – when they get them they don’t want them.
20. Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager’s imagination.
21. Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance. Metrics are learned men’s excuses.
22. For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
23. Some projects finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
24. Fast – cheap – good – you can have any two.
25. There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
26. The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
27. A two year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
28. When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
29. A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected – a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
30. Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
31. Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
32. There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
33. A project gets a year late one day at a time.
34. If you’re 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you’re a project manager.
35. No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement – yours won’t be the first to.
36. Managing IT people is like herding cats.
37. If you don’t know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
38. The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
39. The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
40. The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression
    
    
    taken from http://www.virtualprojectconsulting.com/40rules-of-pm/

Fact or fiction

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. 
2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.
6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA."
17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company
19. once had.
20. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
21. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
22. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
23. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
24. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
25. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
26. Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
27. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
28. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
29. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
30. The sound of E.T walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
31. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
32. Pearls melt in vinegar.
33. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
34. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
35. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
36. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.
37. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.
38. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
40. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton

Personality test

1. If given a choice, would u have the talent of invisibility or ability to fly?

2. If u have a house, would you consider a wall surrounding your house or not?

3. If u need to cross a river, how would you cross the river?

4. You are walking when u saw a tree with your favourite fruit. However there a wall between you and the tasty fruit. How difficult it is for u to reach the sweet juicy fruit?

Parental Guideline

Funny quote

1.Don't take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride

2.Strangers have the best candy

3.People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.

4.When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

5.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

6.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

7.Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

8.With a calendar, your days are numbered

9.The older you get, the better you realize you were

10.Time is what keeps everything from happening at once

11.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

12.I'm only in non-profits for the money

13.On the other hand, you have different fingers.

14.How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

15.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

16.If a #2 Pencil is so Popular, then why is it still #2?

17.If no one is perfect does that mean I do not exist?

18.I'm only wearing black untill they make something darker

19.My friends say I'm indecisive, but I'm not so sure

20.If I agreed with you , we'd both be wrong

21.I started with nothing and still have most of it left

22.Don't talk to me while I'm talking to myself

23.I used to have a plaque that said a messy room was a sign of genius... but I lost it

24.I hate people who steal my ideas before I think of them

25.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends

26.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

27.Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it

28Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

29.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

30.Why is the alphabet in that order? is it because of that song?

31.If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

32.What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

The BIG why

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not
enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lips"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the
vacuum one more chance?

15 Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

18. In Winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in Summer, when
we complained about the heat in Summer?

19. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

taken from http://today-joke.blogspot.com/

p/s : from now I will numbered everything..

True story..

This happen to me almost everyday..seriously...

><

Sarcasm Quote

1. If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
2. Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
3. I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
4. He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t
5. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
6. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
7. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
9. Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
10. Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.
11. I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
12. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
13. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
14. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
15. The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.
16. I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner.We used to write essays like: What I’m going to be if I grow up.
17. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
18. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
19. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
20. A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
21. Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
22. Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything.
23. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.leed.
24. You always do me a favor, when you shut up!
25. If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction
26. You go girl! And don’t come back.
27. if you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the shortest story ever
28. Your passport looks like some horror-booth application.
29. You sound better with your mouth closed.
30. Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
31. Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage
32. Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victems he intends to eat until he eats them.
33. A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
34. The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually beomes a cat.
35. When ideas fail, words come in very handy
36. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me
37. If at first you don't succeed, try something easier
38. I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
39. Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
40. If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.
41. If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Nice Quote

Behind every successful man is a woman; the further behind the woman the better the chances of his success.

If you have a clear mind, you don't get to think

To be a successful person, you need to succeed

A person who writes a law has never experienced it before

If 50 people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing

If 1000 people say a foolish thing, they're most likely receiving an endorsement fee

Never teach a pig to sing. It waste your time and annoys the Pig.

a winner should quit, a quitter is sure to win

Nobody is incompetent. Incompetence is nothing but competence in incompetency

Coincedence doesn not exist, everything happens for a random reason

If you have no problems, then you have no clue to what is going

The more skilled you are at something, the worse you are at it when showing someone.

If someone ever said that something wouldn't go wrong in a billion years, they said it a billion years ago.

The one you buy will be the only one that doesn't work.

The future is like now, only longer

A smoking pipe gives a wise man something to think about, and a fool something to stick in his mouth

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience

Something so obvious..

In a movie a single Ninja is an unstoppable semi-immortal and mysterious killing machine. As their number increases the ninja progressively becomes more of a bumbling fumbling idiot. Also applies to thugs, mobsters, gangs and superheroes.

Murphy's Law

Every rule has an exception except the Rule of Exceptions.

Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Don't let go of something until you have a hold of something else.

When you wear new shoes for the first time, everyone will step on them.

You cannot force Murphy's Law to happen and you can't use it in reverse.

When something goes wrong, you cannot find the solution in the instruction booklet, but someone else always does.

Everything in life is important, important things are simple, simple things are never easy.

Think about it, complete the circle.

It takes forever to learn the rules and once you've learned them they change again.

You will find an easy way to do it, after you've finished doing it.

The wind will always blow opposite to your hairdo

The probability of the toast landing peanut-butter-side-down is directly proportionate to the cost of the carpeting.

A valuable falling in a hard to reach place will be exactly at the distance of the tip of your fingers.

If a valuable falls in a hard to reach place at a distance shorter than the tip of your finger, as soon as you try to reach it you'll push it to that distance.

If it looks good,

And it taste good,

And it feels good,

There has got to be something wrong some where,

So be careful.

Behind every little problem there's a larger problem, waiting for the little problem to get out of the way

When you really need something, its either not available, or can't be found. When you don't need it, its either available, or lays around in plain sight.

Whenever you cut your finger nails, you find a need for them an hour later.

The file you are looking for is always at the bottom of the largest pile.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

If something is likely to happen AND desirable, it won't happen.

Two wrongs don't make a right. It usually takes three or four.

If the truth is in your favor no one will believe you.

Laws are like a spider web, in that it snares the poor and weak while the rich and powerful brake them.

Stupidity is the fundamental driving force of the Universe, which explains why stupid people always go wrong.

If your action has a 50% possibility of being correct, you will be wrong 75% of the time.

If you plan for something to go wrong, and it doesn't go wrong, it would have been ultimately profitable for it to go wrong.

The difference between Stupidity and Genius is that Genius has its limits.

Those who don't take decisions never make mistakes.

Anything that seems right, is putting you into a false sense of security.

If everything seems great, its already gone wrong.

The only time you're right, is when its about being wrong.

The only times something's right, is when everyone agrees its wrong.

If for some reason Murphy's Law fails to operate, it is building up for something big.

The person ahead of you in the queue, will have the most complex transaction possible

Every problem is replaceable with a bigger one.

Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you.

You can't expect the unexpected, otherwise there would be no need for the word unexpected

If you lose something that is replaceable (textbooks, clothing etc) as soon as you buy a replacement the original will surface.

Better to be a pessimist than an optimist because when you say the glass is half empty it will have to be refilled

When things are going right, you won't notice

And we'll end this page with something optimistic (don't hit me).

Don't worry about Murphy's Law, you know it's gonna happen anyway, so just get on with it and get it over with!

All this Murphy's law are taken from

http://www.murphys-laws.com/

ROTFPIMPLMAO bila tgk gmbr ni..

http://today-joke.blogspot.com/

Why Bill Gates SOLD OFF Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some
problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I
find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find'
button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I brought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God shake please do not
provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one from me to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are sellingWINDOWS?


taken from http://today-joke.blogspot.com/

Fact about food

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Too complicated

Here something interesting..

When the space organization NASA first started sending up astronauts they discovered ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To solve the problem, NASA scientists spent ten years and $12 billion to develop a pen that would write in zero gravity, upside down, under water, on all types of surface, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

Moral : Sometimes things are simpler that we think..